FESTIVAL HAZE

Style theft and sexual conduits.

Listen right, Mike Skinner stole my style, last weekend, at Kendal Calling Festival. We were on just before Goldie Looking Chain and then The Streets, the sound was amazing and we proper smashed it, about 1,000 people all going nuts. Anyway, after the first song a couple of girls at the front requested some nudity, telling me to show them some ankle and that. I told them why didn’t they? And if 10 girls did, I would too. One girl promptly quit her vestments and hurled her bra on stage. She balanced her ample bozom on the security barriers like a pair of angry, googly, staring eyes. Two hours later, same day, same stage, a few songs into his set, Skinner goes ‘let’s see if we can get 10 girls to take their clothes off. One did. He goes ‘right, 9 more and my keys player’ll strip too.’ Chicken! Didn’t even offer to sacrifice himself as bait. He got 5 or 6 pairs of eyes, Beat me! That’s not the point though, point is, this style theft is a scandle on a par with Tom from Kasabian copying Berko’s red leather stage jacket. Yeah, that. Here’s a picture of the girl:



And here's one of Slurpy signing some girl. Told you he was a rock star, forget about Cliff Richard, he's like flippin Engelbert Humpedink:



So this weekend we played at Moor Festival. The Saturday night, this girl starts chatting to me, asks if we’re gonna party after Wild Beasts finish. I’m like, ‘Yeah we’re all going Silent Disco.’ She goes, ‘So we’re gonna party then.’ I say ‘Yeah, we’re all going Silent Disco in a minute, you coming?’ After the fifth time she asks whether we’re gonna party I’m thinking she’s a bit slow, but then I realise I’m the idiot when she asks if I’m coming to party, just me, her and her mate, and she points to some geezer behind her eyeing me up. Turned out they wanted me as a sexual sluice and I didn’t really fancy it. Not my bag being a carnal conduit, I’m no erotic aqueduct, no genital siphon! For the visual learners who still aren’t getting what they were angling for, here’s a diagram I just did on my laptop:



For those of you who are kinaesthetic learners, I’m working on a danceplanatory version but unless you meet me in person it’ll be of no benefit to you.